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FAT TONY WRITES THE MOB
by H. Millard (c) 2001
10/27/01
Hey, I want to tell youse about the best scam I've ever come up with. You're going to love this one. I've become a pillar of the community, and I even get praised by the local newspaper for the scam.
Yeah. I'm living in this place called Newport Beach, in Orange County, California. It's right on the ocean. And, man, this place ain't Jersey, neither. Like it's swank. Right next door is a place called Costa Mesa, it should be kinda swank too, but it ain't, and we wanna keep it that way. You see, I make my big bucks in Costa Mesa. The establishment is even on my side, and I get to go to some big fancy dinners with the beautiful people, and get my picture in the newspaper.
I gotta kick myself. Why didn't I think of this before? I'm tellin' youse guys, forget all the other rackets. This one is sweet.
See, many of the hicks in Costa Mesa are so stupid that they don't know the difference between charity the verb, charity the noun, and Charity the Madam. Anyway, I'm part of this charity (the noun) scam thing. It goes like this. I take a big salary and get other benefits for running this charity. Now, I know you figure that there can't be any money in this because I just told you that Newport Beach is swanky and because we're in a good economy, so there can't be too many people using charities, and if there ain't too many people using charities then there's no big donations and tax money going to the charities and I can't be taking no big salary. Or, you might be thinkin' like Fat Tony's out here wearin' sack cloth and actin' like Mother Teresa, and like I ain't drivin' no more Cadillacs or nothin'. Are youse nuts?
What you mugs is forgetting is that we've got a whole bunch of illegal aliens coming into California. They don't have no money. They don't have no medical insurance. They don't have no places to live. Now, we don't want them in Newport Beach, but remember I told you about this burg Costa Mesa, that's right next door? That's where we warehouse them illegal aliens.
Anyway, our real problem is to attract these illegal aliens to Costa Mesa instead of letting them go to places where they can afford to live and instead of letting them get caught and deported. I knows you're thinkin' it's against the law to help illegal aliens, but don't worry, we've got a don't ask, don't tell policy out here. We're all winking about these illegals so much that if you came to this here Cosa Nostra, er, this here Costa Mesa, you'd think everyone in the establishment has some kinda facial palsy or something because of all the winking that's going on. We all kinda look like Tommy the Tic. I mean we all call illegal aliens stuff like "residents" (wink, wink), or "stakeholders,"(wink, wink).
Even though we're keeping our foot on Costa Mesa and keeping it from becoming too swanky, it's still too expensive for illegal aliens to live here, and that's good for us. See, my charity helps attract them here, and then helps them with medical needs, dental care, free food, help with paying the rent and all the rest. The word is out that Costa Mesa is a soft touch, so they keep coming. This is a growth industry. Now, to pay for this stuff, I get money from the local government and from donations from certain local rich snobs who want to feel like Mother Teresa a couple times a year. All I gotta do is jump in the Lexus and go down to City Hall once a year and look at the local City Council with downcast eyes and give 'em a sob story about the poor.
Hey, I bettcha you're gettin a kick outa thinkin' like Fat Tony's got a real violin in his machine gun case. Get this. Some of the politicians are looking for ways to give us money. No kidding. We just have to give them the slightest reason. Why? Because then we help them stay in office. We don't even need no bag man. That's old Mustache Pete stuff. We just give them publicity and help get out the vote. Then suckers buy this crap that these politicians are good people because us pillars of the community-- us charity types--said so. Yeah. It's like we got a perpetual motion money machine merry-go-round going with this here charity scam. All we gotta do is put out our hand and we get the brass ring.
I mean this is a sweet deal. Some of my boys own slum buildings and they stuff hundreds of these illegals in them. The illegals don't complain, because if they do, then they may get deported. Then the illegals use this here Job Center that the suckers--the citizens--have to pay for. Some of the other boys then hires the illegals under the table, see. It's sweet. They don't take no deductions from their pay. They don't pay no taxes. They don't pay for no insurance. Hey, them illegals don't need no medical insurance because they gets that from the charity medical clinics.
You may wonder why the citizens who are seeing their city destroyed aren't up in arms over the scam. Here's another sweet thing. When they complain, we call them "racists," "xenophobes," and other similar names and we have our pals on the local newspaper write some stuff about compassion and diversity. Is this a hoot, or what?
Well, look , it's gettin' late so I gotta get outta Costa Mesa before dark, there's too much crime here.
Your pal,
Fat Tony